3 Signs You’re The Toxic Person in Your Life & How To Fix It

I’m not one of those people who believe in “good vibes only” or only focusing on the positive things in life. Being a constantly positive person is hard and, in my opinion, impossible for most people. As humans we aren’t perfect and there are times when we’re going to have a shitty day and be in a shitty mood. This is fine. However, there is a difference between having a bad day or week and being the toxic person in your life or the lives of others. As someone who has gone through these moments at earlier times in my life, I’ve discovered 3 signs that will tell you if you are the toxic person and how to fix it if you are.

1. You are always angry/in a bad mood and take it out on others

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As I said earlier, it is perfectly okay to have a bad mood for a day or week. Some people even have bad months depending on what they are going through in life. What’s not okay is constantly being in a bad mood and taking this out on those around us. Nobody wants to be friends with the person who is always angry, never has anything nice to say, and acts like an asshole to most people around them. Even if you disguise it in constant sarcasm, slick comments, passive aggressive behavior, or whatever else, it’s annoying and toxic to others and yourself.

How to fix it: Find out why you are so angry

Unless you suffer from a disorder that makes your emotions not at your own will, most people experience another emotion before anger. Figure out what emotion(s) you’re trying to mask in anger. Are you sad? Are you hurting? Is there a trauma you don’t want to deal with? Ask yourself these questions and similar ones to find out the root of your anger. This is the only way you can address this anger and move on to a life not plagued by it.

2. You’re jealous of others and their accomplishments

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Being a hater is one of the most toxic things to your well-being. I don’t mean the haters everyone swore they had in high school but a genuine hater who hates to see others do well. A hater is someone who constantly hates on others’ magnificent accomplishments. Do you find yourself getting jealous of strangers or even worse…your “friends?” Do you hear about people’s new promotions at work or their new PR at the gym and find yourself looking for a way to cut them down or “humble them?” If you’re this type of person you’re toxic to yourself and others and people will definitely pick up on it even if you never say anything out loud. They will stop telling you the good things that happen to them because you’ll always be known as somebody who is a hater and has nothing good to say when people share their accomplishments.

How to fix it: Realize you are an adequate being and what is for you won’t pass you by

Many times when we try to dull someone else’s sparkle it’s because we are insecure about our own shine. As people we have insecurities or feelings of inadequacy sometimes. What’s important is that we don’t let these feelings consume us so much that we can’t be happy for the next person. Another reason people become haters is because they want what someone else has. There are very few things that are in such scarcity in the world that you need to covet those who have them. What is meant for you is FOR YOU so long as you take the steps needed to achieve it. Hating on the next person won’t get you any closer to your goals. Aspire to be inspired by those who are we’re you want to be and learn from them instead of wishing them bad.

3. You only call/text your friends to talk about yourself, your problems, or other people

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There is nothing that toxic people are better at than maintaining one-sided friendships that only benefit them. If you’re constantly reaching out to others with no intentions of seeing how they are doing, you might be the toxic friend. I’m using the term friend loosely here. But seriously, if you only think to hit people up when you’re going through some shit, they aren’t your friend…they are your therapist and honestly that’s not fair to them. This isn’t the same thing as a friendship where the energy and effort is mutual and you both help each other through hard times. This is you not checking in with someone unless you need something from them and they are helping you in some way…it’s toxic. If you only reach out to a friend to talk badly about other people that’s toxic as well and not good for either of you. Only equally toxic people want friends who never have anything good to say about others.

How To Fix It: Get a therapist and a journal

One way to make sure you’re not the friend who only keeps in contact to talk about the shit going on in your life is to have someone whose job it is to let you vent to them. Therapy is often looked down upon (especially in communities of color) but if you have this tendency you could probably use someone with the proper skills and knowledge to help you through these times. Another way to master your emotions and feelings is to write about them. I know I say this all the time but it works, okay? Ever since I’ve started journaling I have become better at dealing with my emotions. This can help you too. Also, if you find yourself consistently gossiping about others, you need to figure out what insecurities you are trying to hide by doing so. As I mentioned earlier everyone has insecurities and it’s okay but talking badly about others won’t make anything within ourselves better. Find the problems within yourself and handle them.


I believe that everyone goes through a phase or two where they are the toxic person in their own life as well as the lives of others. What’s important is being able to recognize this and taking the steps needed to check ourselves and deal with our problematic behaviors. The first step is awareness so if any of these signs rang true for you I hope you take my suggestions. Help yourself live a peaceful non-toxic life. You are in charge with how you deal with life so take the steps towards happiness not bitterness.

How do you deal with negative emotions? Let me know in the comments!

Do’s & Don’ts Of Building Self-Confidence

The other day I was trying to generate ideas for posts for my blog (being in a creative funk is rough, I’ve talked about it before on my blog) and I asked my friend “what is something you’d like to know as a twentysomething?” She said “One thing that I think separates you from me is how confident you are, so maybe write tips on how you went about gaining that confidence.” This posed an interesting question because I definitely wasn’t always the confident person and I still struggle depending on the area of life that it is. However, I do think I have been alive long enough to give advice on how to gain a mostly* confident demeanor. That being said, here are some of my tips for building confidence.

DO Find Something You’re Really Good At and Be Proud of It

One way I built confidence in high school was by playing sports. Seeing how far I could push my body gave me an extreme level of confidence in an otherwise typical insecure teenage life. When I went to college and became an adult jr., I was always confident in the fact that I was now naturally an athletic person due to how I grew up playing sports. As I’ve grown into an actual adult and less in shape than my teenage athlete years, I’ve found a new confidence in doing dancing group fitness classes like MIXXEDFIT, Zumba, COMMIT, and others. When I’m in these classes I FEEL LIKE I’M THAT BITCH and nobody can stop me. While I personally love physical fitness as my thing, it doesn’t matter what your hobbies are just pick one thing that you can get really good at be proud of.

DON’T Base Your Confidence On What Other People Think of You

Having self-confidence in a rigid society that defines success in such a narrow way is hard. The truth of the matter is you can be the best looking, intelligent, physically fit, wealthy person and somebody is still going to have some shit to say about you, so don’t worry about what other people think of you. I think I was able to gain confidence when I stopped giving a shit what people think of me. The thing is most people, even the people who always have something to say, are concerned with themselves so they don’t really have to think about you as often as you believe. If you don’t thibk you’re the bomb.com, nobody else will either. Coco Chanel said it best, “I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”

DO Speak Kindly To Yourself

Yes, I wish I had a flat stomach and had extra inches in my height but I am who I am! Talking badly about the things you “hate” about yourself will not boost your confidence. It’s okay to want to improve things in in your life (whether they be physical, mental, or whatever else) but calling yourself dumb won’t make you any smarter. Saying you hate your back rolls won’t make them disappear and complaining about yourself in general never makes you a better person. While venting is okay, it’s important to be mindful of the way you talk to and about yourself. A good rule of thumb is to not say anything to yourself that you would drop a friend or romantic partner for saying to you.

DON’T Compare Yourself To Others

Just as you could be the best looking, intelligent, physically fit, wealthy person, so can somebody else. The reality of life is that is always going to be somebody better than you at something. On the flip side, you will be better than others at certain things so there really is no need to compare yourself to anyone. I’m in the school of thought that we were all put on this Earth for our own purpose and comparing yourselves to others diminishes your ability to do what you are meant to do! On social media (where most comparisons for us millennials and Gen Z occur) people portray what they want you to see. Most people don’t show their full story, which is their right, so you can’t compare yourself to something that isn’t a true representation. So what if that person landed their dream job at 23. So what if they graduated with a 4.0. So what if they have the life you think you deserve. Everything ain’t for everybody and when you focus on comparing yourself to others you open the door for insecurities and jealously, which is the opposite of confidence! So don’t do it and just FOCUS on yourself. That’s how you become confident in who YOU are!

It’s hard to be 100% confident all the time and there are days when you won’t feel that great about yourself. The key to confidence is to remember no matter what your shortcomings may be, you are still AMAZING and uniquely made.

What’s one thing you’re great at and proud of? Do you have any tips for building self-confidence? Let me know in the comments!

 

3 Tips for Balancing Your Busy Life

One question I get asked pretty often as someone who has many different hobbies and commitments is how do I manage to balance it all? Between law school, work, fitness, this blog, my podcast, and everything else, I’m definitely someone who knows how to keep busy. The truth is that is when I’m at my best! If I’m given too much free-time I will literally get nothing done. Isn’t that ironic? Due to the fact that balancing a busy life is such a big part my brand and content that I create, I decided to write a post about the way I am able to achieve a balanced life when I’m busy as hell.

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Get Clear on Your Priorities and Dedicate Your Time Accordingly

You can’t achieve balance if you aren’t crystal clear on exactly what it is you’re prioritizing. Once you know what your priorities are, you will have an idea of where most of your time should be going and how much time to dedicate to less important things. One way I get clear on my priorities is when I set goals as if anything is possible. By setting goals, you understand what it is you truly desire. This allows you to move forward in prioritizing your time and balancing your many aspirations. Having regular goal setting sessions is super important. I recently wrote a guide to completing a mid-year goal setting session. You can find that post here.

Be Realistic

I’m not sure about your reader but when I was in high school I learned about something called SMART goals. The R is smart goals stands for realistic and I feel that this is such an important part of goal setting and achieving balance between all aspects of our lives. While I do believe that we can do all we set our minds to, we also need to be semi-realistic when striving for balance in our work/school life. For example: if I want to achieve a school/life balance, I cannot set goals that would take much more time and dedication to achieve. For example: if I’m trying to make sure my grades are at least average or slightly above average (shout out to the law school curve), I can’t make one of my goals to be a nationally recognized body builder in the next 3 months who also goes out every weekend. Getting good grades takes many many hours of studying, being a Nationally ranked body builder takes many many hours of training and hyper focusing on nutrition, and going out every weekend takes energy and uses time that could be used for studying or bodybuilding. All three of these goals can be achieved in a lifetime but in 3 months (based on my experience in law school only since I’ve never been a bodybuilder much less a national recognized one) they are almost impossible to achieve all at the same time.

Use Your Planner

My planner is one of the most important tools I have for keeping achieving balanced in my life. I personally like the write things done because the power of writing things down has been long documented. Anyone who knows me or has been reading my blog for a while knows that I live for my passion planner. However, for my friends who do not love the paper planner life, I also live for my google calendar (simply for the fact that it’s easier to edit when things come up and I have to make last minute changes). If you’re not a big paper planner person, you can also use Google Calendar. I like to use Google Calendar to time block when things are really important.

Being a busy bee can be stressful but that doesn’t mean you can’t live a balanced life. If you’re clear on your priorities, are realistic with what you can accomplish, and use some sort of planning system, you can do what you need to do to handle your business.

Did you find any of these tips helpful? Which one(s) do you plan on using in your life moving forward? Are there any other tips you have for maintaining work/school life balance? Leave a comment below!

Share this article with a busy person in your life who may benefit from these tips!