1,801 miles

the distance between me & all my family that i love.

It’s not a ride down the street

Or even a 5 hour drive

It’s plane rides (which give me anxiety)

It’s missed birthdays, school recitals, football & basketball games.
It’s missed visits to assisted living facilities & only being to able to visit the Hospital via phone call.

“May i speak to the nurses station?”
It’s trying to visit when I’m in town

But Cleveland is a 45 minute drive & 

I don’t have my license yet. 

It’s not wanting to ask your grandpa

For a ride to visit your Nana 

Because he has chemo this week. 
So you stay as long as you can

When he can give you a ride

(but not too late because

he hates driving in the dark)
It’s feeling trapped in the small town life

When you’ve been there two months…
But once you leave

you don’t know if the next time 

You’ll be back is for a funeral
It’s a phone call that says 

“I’m tired” and your heart sinks

To the bottom of your feet
It’s not being able to hug

Your Nana when she’s tired of

Fighting for her life. 
It’s wishing you could do more

Or say more, or stay more, 

stay longer or ask her to.
But how can you ask someone to

Stay longer when longer is never enough?

-when you move away from home | guilt

Jan 20th, 2017

Today I did everything I normally do. I went to turn in some paperwork for a future* job. I watched a documentary on Netflix. I ate food. I drank water. I scrolled through all my social media. But, today felt…different. Honestly, more than it ever has since I can remember. Adding the raindrops to my internal stress and I don’t know what to say or do.  I’m supposed to write  about Health+Fitness on Fridays but how could I talk about my favorite quinoa recipe when I feel this sense of…despair. Sadness. But at the same time, I feel apathetic and desensitized. I’m not sure how to snap out of it. I ordered some books because I believe in the power of a strong mind. However, I’m going to need more than a strong mind to get through the next…well you know the rest. Definitely going to be a lot of introspection, planning, and execution this year and the next. But first, self-care.